Facebook: The 12 status updates of Christmas

Like all teenagers, Miss Kylie Mildew is addicted to Facebook, and shares all her thoughts and experiences there…

Kylie MildewDAY 1

Dear Facebook,

Would you believe what my new boyfriend sent me today – a partridge in a pear tree. What an A-MAZE-ING gift. My Dad planted the pear tree in the back garden and my Mum named the partridge ‘Cassidy’. We’re getting the hang of feeding Cassidy now, although he did bite my Mum rather badly. But her hand will probably heal up soon. And did I mention it was a present from my BOYFRIEND. I think I lurve him.

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DAY 2

Dear Facebook,

Today the postman brought another gift from my boyfriend. Guess what. It was two turtle-doves… They are really sweet. We found out how to look after them on YouTube (although they did have a fight with the partridge and the vet bill was £800). AWKWARD!

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DAY 3

Dear Facebook,

My boyfriend is being really generous. Now he’s sent me three French hens. WTF! I don’t know where we’re supposed to keep them. There was another fight between (more…)

A Twitter Nativity

(With apologies to the real owners of these usernames)

Zechariah

@God We’re getting on a bit, but my wife & I have always wanted a baby. Can u help?

A_Gabriel RT @God

@Zechariah Your wife Elizabeth will have a son. You are to call him John and he will prepare the way for the #Messiah

Zechariah

#FF @God

A_Gabriel RT @God

@Mary You are going to bear a son. You are to call him Jesus.

Mary

@Gabriel Whaaaat?! But I’m a v*****

(more…)