Facebook: The 12 status updates of Christmas

Like all teenagers, Miss Kylie Mildew is addicted to Facebook, and shares all her thoughts and experiences there…

DAY 1

Dear Facebook,

Would you believe what my new boyfriend sent me today – a partridge in a pear tree. What an A-MAZE-ING gift. My Dad planted the pear tree in the back garden and my Mum named the partridge ‘Cassidy’. We’re getting the hang of feeding Cassidy now, although he did bite my Mum rather badly. But her hand will probably heal up soon. And did I mention it was a present from my BOYFRIEND. I think I lurve him.

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DAY 2

Dear Facebook,

Today the postman brought another gift from my boyfriend. Guess what. It was two turtle-doves… They are really sweet. We found out how to look after them on YouTube (although they did have a fight with the partridge and the vet bill was £800). AWKWARD!

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DAY 3

Dear Facebook,

My boyfriend is being really generous. Now he’s sent me three French hens. WTF! I don’t know where we’re supposed to keep them. There was another fight between the hens, the doves and the partridge, and this time the vet bill was £8 million. My parents said they’ll take it out of my pocket money. For the next hundred years. DISLIKE.

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DAY 4

Dear Facebook,

Today the postman delivered four colly birds (FYI they are not ‘calling birds’ as everyone seems to think. Colly birds are blackbirds you know, I looked it up on Wikipedia). They are beautiful, but there’s bird poo all over the house and my parents are starting to get annoyed. All these presents very romantic but TBH it’s beginning to put me off my boyfriend a bit.

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DAY 5

Dear Facebook,

What a lovely surprise! Today the postman delivered five gooooold rings. I lurve my boyfriend. All those squawking birds were getting on my nerves. LOL.

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DAY 6

Dear Facebook,

Oh dear. It seems he’s back to the birds again. When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on the front step. Those geese are huge. There’s no room to move in our own house and we can’t hear the TV through the racket. I wish he’d stop with these weird presents. Hashtag FAIL.

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DAY 7

Dear Facebook,

What’s with my boyfriend and those birds??? Now it’s seven swans-a-swimming. They’re completely savage and won’t let us anywhere near the bathroom. My Mum’s a nervous wreck and my Dad can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY… I’ve sent my boyfriend a text message demanding no more birds.

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DAY 8

Dear Facebook,

FFS, I think I prefer the birds. What am I supposed to do with eight maids-a-milking? What’s more, they’ve brought their own cows. They’ve trampled the rose-beds and laid cowpats all over the lawn. My parents have hit the whisky and I’ve gone right off my boyfriend.

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DAY 9

Dear Facebook,

My so-called boyfriend has gone bonkers. Now he’s sent nine ladies dancing (although I’m not so sure they are ‘laydeez’). The living room smells like a zoo, the neighbours have started a petition to evict us, the council is threatening to condemn the building and my parents have moved into a hotel. What am I going to do?

***

DAY 10

Dear Facebook,

Now he’s sent me ten lords a-leaping. I can’t stop them. In fact, they’ve leapt all over the 23 birds and they’re all dead. I wish my boyfriend had just given me an Amazon voucher.

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DAY 11

Dear Facebook,

OMG, now he’s sent eleven pipers piping. Not only that, but they haven’t stopped chasing those maids that arrived the other day (although some of them are chasing the lords). The fridge is completely empty because the lords, the maids and the pipers have eaten all the food. I can’t take it any more. I’ve dumped my boyfriend. SAD FACE.

***

DAY 12

From the law offices Legal, Beagle and Ripoff

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Kylie Mildew. All future correspondence should be sent to our address. If you should attempt to reach Miss Mildew at the Purley View Home for the Bewildered, the attendants have instructions to eject you immediately.

Merry Christmas.

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This is the script I wrote for the Dafia Christmas Show at Ripley Arts Centre yesterday, adapted from other versions found on Google and YouTube.