For lexiphiles*

To write with a broken pencil is… pointless

When fish are in schools, they sometimes… take debate

A thief who stole a calendar… got 12 months

The professor discovered his theory of earthquakes… was on shaky ground

The batteries were given out… free of charge

A dentist and a manicurist married… they fought tooth and nail

A will is… a dead giveaway

If you don’t pay your exorcist… you can get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name… and a dress

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft… and I’ll show you a flat miner

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More paraprosdokians

PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected. (Apparently, Winston Churchill loved them.)

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

10. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

11. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

12. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

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