Doug Jenner of Copy Lounge invited entrants to ‘pick this copy to pieces’:
As a highly respected and passionate operator in the world of traditional and old-fashioned cuisine, Zarbo provides a highly flexible and personalised service that is tailor-made to accommodate the distinctly discerning needs of small, medium and large clients alike. Having a varied, interesting and evolving clientele that includes private sector, business and industry, we shall warmly welcome any opportunity of a formal or informal discussion so that we can discuss your bespoke needs.
To put it another way:
“We are highly respected” > Then prove it with testimonials and case studies. What other people say about you is more convincing than anything you can say yourself.
“We are passionate” > Who cares? Besides which, it is an overused and irrelevant word in business. In my view, ‘passion’ should be saved for the bedroom (or the kitchen table…)
“We provide traditional and old-fashioned cuisine” > Don’t be general, be specific. Give examples.
“We provide flexible, personal, tailor-made service” > Yes, that’s what service should be. Again, don’t just tell us, show us what you mean.
“Our clients are varied, interesting and evolving” > Ooer!
“Our clients are small, medium and large” > You will never sell to ‘everybody’. It’s better to target a specific niche.
“Our clients are from private sector, business and industry” > Tautology alert! Anyway, it’s better to give examples, list their names, show their logos.
“Our clients have distinctly discerning and bespoke needs” > Of course they do, we all do.
“We want to talk to you, formally or informally” > Of course you do. You want my money.
The good news
I could have won 🙂
The bad news
I was disqualified for being a fellow professional wordsmith 🙁